Amalgamation of thoughts

I added audio to this blog post, so now you can listen to me read my post out loud. Click the youtube link to listen now.

It’s that time of year again. My annual birthday/end-of-year post. I hardly blogged this year, I was focused on finishing my first fiction novel.  Yes, I finally finished it! Well, the first draft anyway. I’m currently on the second draft, and wow it is not an easy process but I hope you’ll love it when it comes out. 

Every year I write this post and I always start by saying what an amazing year it has been, and this year is no different. I am so blessed to be able to grow and evolve year in and year out. Each new year outdoes the previous year. This year grace and abundance were major themes for me. When people asked me how I was, I responded “I’m blessed and thriving” (an affirmation I got from ‘Principles & potions for peace, purpose, and prosperous living by Lizzie jeff) because our words hold so much power. I’ve learned that I am amazing because I give my best in all that I do and even on days when I can’t give my best, I still give myself grace, and that in itself, is me doing my best.  It doesn’t mean I don’t have days that I’m not feeling happy or bubbly it means that even on those days when I don’t feel good when I feel tired or my mood is low, I just take it as it is. I still give myself grace and love myself through it. Instead of chastising myself because of my very human emotions. Giving myself this level of grace allows me to extend that same grace to other people by default.  I also understand the concept of abundance more now, than I ever have. No, I’m not a financial millionaire in this realm yet, but I know it will manifest in this realm soon enough. Besides, I’m spirit-rich, everything I touch must turn to gold. Abundance is so much more than just financial and material wealth. To me, true abundance is all-encompassing. Just because you are financially rich does not necessarily mean that you are abundant. Are you a vessel for growth, or surplus? How wealthy is your mind?

This year it finally hit me that my mind is wealthy beyond measure.  And when the mind is wealthy, it doesn’t take long before that wealth starts to spill forth into your physical environment. My wealthy mind allowed me to see alternate situations and alternate viewpoints which did not bring anxiety and doom but instead brought clarity, peace, and focus. 2022 was a great year for me. Not because there were no lows or obstacles but because my reaction to these things changed. I truly moved with the tide, whether high or low I adapted and flowed. The things that I would have seen as lows or obstacles before I saw as messages and lessons. My reactions to these things were less intense. The inner knowing overflowed. I understood that everything was working out for me. The ENTIRE universe was conspiring FOR ME, to ensure that I win. Not against me. So whatever supposed obstacles were being put in front of me, I saw as necessary for my journey, solutions to be analysed and solved, and knowledge to enrichen my experience. Foundations that needed to be laid to ensure life would be solid and supreme. It was never to hurt or destabilise me. I learned to truly see the benefit and positives in every situation.  This mindset has poured into every aspect of my life and allowed me to scale through with ease and determination. Eyes on the prize. The prize being the ability to have the best life experience ever, to determine what that looks like for me, and live it fearlessly and unapologetically.  

My thoughts, ideas, world views, beliefs, etc have evolved a lot since I started this blog and for the first time ever, I really didn’t feel like sharing much. I’ve always been a big sharer; I take everyone along with me. I do not hide my flaws or my struggles, I also do not hide my triumphs. If I learn something new, I immediately share it. This year however I found peace in silence. I learnt not to share too much. It wasn’t like I was hiding. I just realised that some things were meant to be experienced alone and I had the tendency to overshare. I delved deep and realised that my oversharing was me subconsciously seeking validation from outside. The oversharing was me trying to figure out a way to heal my pain, often offloading on other people without care for whether they had the capacity to handle what I was sharing. Hoping they would receive this information in a way that would make me feel less lonely, less hurt, less lost. Although speaking out and sharing can be very cathartic and healing. For me, it is important that it is done to release and educate not to seek, validation. I needed to immerse myself within. I learnt to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself, and allowed them to really marinate before sharing them if I shared at all. I realised that showing my hand to everyone wasn’t always the smartest move. I let people be and didn’t feel the need to impose my thoughts and ideas on them or bring them around to my way of thinking.

 My spirit is ginormous and powerful- nothing makes her feel weaker than when I lie. Lying is cowardice to me, so I don’t do it.  And when people lie to me, I take it as an attack on my intelligence. This year however I left the liars to lie in peace. I played the fool. Well, not played the fool per se but I didn’t reveal my thoughts as freely. It wasn’t needed. I let people behave how they wanted to behave and adjusted my proximity accordingly. A few people have told me “Tes you can’t hide your emotions at all, they’re written all over your face”, and it’s always funny to me because what makes you think I was trying to hide it? What you are seeing is EXACTLY what I wanted you to see. The feelings that are being portrayed are exactly what I wanted to portray.

I believe in letting people be. I believe in allowing people to express themselves however they want to. It is after all their life. I have no right to impose my desires for how I think their life should be, on them. They have a right to live their life however it is they deem fit. That I do not express myself in the same way that someone else does- does not mean that I cannot see beauty in their expression. I can and I do. Your expression is valid. Your uniqueness is magic. Society is constantly pushing this notion of “normal” that the desire to fit in is a natural human response. I beg to differ. The desire to fit in is not a natural human response. Society beats it into you from a very young age. You are told what toys to play with, what colours you can like, what jobs suit you, how you should dress, how you should talk, what you should like, who you should like. And if you differ you are called all sorts of names and oppressed into conformity. Society is so petrified of you being unique and tapping into your God-given magic that they start to work on your conformism from birth. A boy child sits down on the toilet seat to wee, because he finds it more comfortable. He is immediately reprimanded and told no you cannot wee like that, he asks why? He’s told ‘only, girls wee like that, unless you’re gay!’ Immediately this boy is made to believe four things:

  1. There is a “norm”, and he needs to fit into this norm
  2. Acting a certain way determines your sexuality
  3. Being a girl is a bad thing
  4. Being gay is a bad thing

The fact that we see a child acting in a certain way and the first thing we do is sexualize them by prejudging their sexuality over innocent acts is problematic to me and shows just how damaged the adult psyche is. Why is that even your first thought? The poor child is just being themselves and you the adult has pre-determined that this action means something- that they are not being the way God intended. I mean it’s the audacity for me.  Now this child is confused and no longer wants to express themselves in the way that comes naturally to them. Because they fear the labels that will be put on them. It is very senseless.  People have been so badly damaged by this that when they see someone else living differently, being all the things they had been told are wrong, they cannot take it. They start to panic and try to get you to come around to their way of thinking, their way of being. Your uniqueness and individualism triggers them. They find comfort in uniformity. I mean if you start being free, then that voice they’ve long buried the one that wants to be unique starts begging to be free and they don’t want to have to deal with that. So they immediately try to stop you.  Imagine how obsessed we are with conforming that we must all wee the same way, we must all write with the same hand even, we must aspire to the same goals and like the same things, anything other or different is classed as bad/evil.

Now, we have children as well as adults scared of being different because it has been so vilified. I’ve heard of men who won’t moisturise their skin, who won’t get a pedicure and won’t hug their male friend just because they’re scared of being classed as feminine or gay. As if these things have anything to do with sexuality.  And if they do so happen to have a normal attraction to the same sex- they’re bible bashed into believing that they are disgusting and need help. They start to believe well if I behave in this way and if I like this thing then maybe there’s something wrong with me. Maybe I’m in the wrong body, maybe I shouldn’t be here. And really, this is all society’s fault. If we allowed men and women to express themselves, however, they wanted, we wouldn’t have men thinking that they aren’t men because they like makeup or to wear dresses and heels or are sexually attracted to other men. We wouldn’t have women feeling like they aren’t women because of the way they dress, how they speak, the things they like, or who they are attracted to. We have stripped the individual of their magic-their uniqueness. No two people on this planet have the same fingerprint- not even twins. Do you know how magnificent that makes you? Your role was NEVER to conform and fit in. You were sent here to make waves and be you! Show the world the unique gifts that were given to you. Express yourself. Show up as you.

Even the concept of masculinity and femininity in the form it is now is human insanity. Other animals and plants do not define masculinity and femininity in the same absurd way in which we do. These things really have NOTHING to do with how you talk, dress, act, or who you love. It is what it is. You are what you are. All expressions are valid. No one expression is more valid than the other. I am masculine and I am feminine. Irrespective of how I dress, how I talk, who I like, and what I do. I am tired of hearing “as a man” and “as a woman”, SHUT UP and let people be. Stop projecting your thoughts and ideas onto other people. I’ll be damned if I let anyone dictate my life experience. You do not hold that kind of power over me, and you never will.

In past years I would brag about how people my parents in particular, never pressured me about marriage. Well, this year the pressure got wesserrr (Instagram joke) from one parent anyway). If a woman says no, she doesn’t want to get married, society has a fit. And it blows my mind. Why must we all conform? What makes you think that we are all here to live in the same way? What makes you think that every woman on this planet was meant to come here to be a wife and a mother? What makes you think that if a woman doesn’t want to be a wife or a mother, she is damaged goods or is not living a fulfilling life? Why do you insist she will not be happy when she is telling you that she is? What makes you so scared of ‘other’? A lot of people don’t think that far into it and end up just spewing “the bible says” in defense of their madness. They use the bible to justify their hatred and intolerance instead of showing emotional intelligence and dealing with people from a place of compassion. Stop focusing on others. Just because marriage is/was one of your goals doesn’t mean it has to be someone else’s. Appreciate the beauty in your choice to get married and in my choice to not get married. Life is colourful and full of variety. Live and let live. I am someone who has no desire to get married. It really does not appeal to me. I’ve explained why in both my podcasts The power of women and Feminine expressions (click to listen to the episode). But even if I didn’t explain- how is that anyone’s business? I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve been told don’t worry Teso, have faith, you will find a husband. From aunties and uncles to random young men and women I meet.

Everybody has something to say. But it is the unhappily married women that shame unmarried women that baffle me the most. You are in an unhappy marriage; you were not able to have this fairy tale you’ve been told marriage would be. Yet you want me to spend my life searching for this fictional perfect man that will make my dreams come true and make me decide that marriage is worth it. I am not here to fulfill your happy marriage fantasies and I certainly have no desire to go through the same stress you’re going through. My decisions on my life have nothing to do with outsiders or the desire to find a man. I do not yearn for a husband; I will not spend my days aimlessly searching for a man to possess me so that members of society will feel comfortable with my light. It’s like they see how bright my light is and believe it needs to be curbed or attached to a man for it to have meaning or to be ‘unthreatening’, palatable even.  If I don’t have a man, then I will of course be roaming this earth free and doing whatever I like, answering to no one, living my best life and heaven forbid that sort of enjoyment for a woman! I remember being asked about marriage by a man (who had a fiancé, but was still trying to date me, way to sell marriage) and I told him I had no desire to get married, his response was ‘so you mean no man will ever get to own you, to own all of this’ he scanned me from head to toe. Honestly, I think that was the final nail in the coffin for me. It really helped drive the point home. I am no man’s possession. I did not come here to be possessed by anyone. My spirit is too big and too powerful. A Goddess like me. Please! I am a free autonomous human being who cannot and will not be controlled.

We are multifaceted creatures who should be allowed to flourish in our true essence.  Society has built boxes around us and normalised them. A lot of us leave this realm without ever unboxing so much of ourselves. Can’t dress this way, can’t speak that way, can’t act this way, can’t work at that place, can’t like this thing, can’t live that way. A life full of restrictions and shame. The phoenix never gets to rise.  The saddest part is people just believe it’s normal. They proudly assert that that’s just the way things are. Without questioning the origins. But the bible said… the bible says a lot of things that you don’t practice my dear. A LOT. So why is it that when it comes to oppressing others your common sense goes out of the window and you stand on the bible to justify it. So many people lie in God’s name.

I do not believe that God or the universe is flawed. I believe that man is flawed, and the bible is after all written by man- no matter how you try to escape it. Their interpretations are shaped by their biases, and it is littered throughout the book. I also do not believe that the people that wrote the bible were any different you and me. How many times does it tell you that they were just regular people like you and I? It mentions it countless times, the carpenter, the fisherman, the womaniser, the spendthrift, the prodigal son, etc. So what makes you think their thoughts on God are more valid than yours? What makes you think that they couldn’t possibly have had societal biases?  This is why I choose to drown out outside noise and go within a lot because I know that source is within me. I may listen to other people’s ideas and opinions but ultimately, I process what they have said, take it within and decide whether it aligns with my foundational principles. Over the past couple of years, I have come to trust myself a million percent. There is nothing more important to me that following my voice and my soul. Wherever it may take me. I have come to understand that my life is for me and me alone to decide. Outside opinions do not matter. Especially as these people giving advice lead a completely different life to me. We do not have the same beliefs or thoughts on life, our moral compass is not the same, we are not guided by the same things- so why would I allow their opinion on how I should live or what I should think, triumph, over mine? I spent so much of my previous years ignoring the voice within, doubting the voice within, and sometimes even hating the voice within. Now I overstand. I am a goddess of immeasurable power, and I will allow no one stop me from having the most fulfilling abundant, and amazing life experience. When I die, my tombstone will say “She did it her way”.

Here’s to year 34. May the abundance overflow in ways I didn’t even think possible. May my light continue to shine brightly. May my soul continue to be free. May I fall even deeper in love with self and may I ALWAYS choose me.


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