This time last year I reached a new level in my journey of self- discovery. It was the full moon and I was on my usual 24hr water fast. I was scrolling through Instagram and kept seeing different bald black women. I viewed them as Goddesses and was in awe of how amazingly brave and beautiful they were. It spurred me on. I knew it was what I was supposed to do. I knew it was time. So I ordered clippers and got to work. You can read more on how that day went here>>> Rebirth . The string that tied my beauty to my hair was already starting to loosen but the hold was still there- I still gave my hair a lot of importance in a vanity fuelled way. I knew the shaving of my head would be the ultimate liberation move for me at that time in my life. This knowing gave me a deep sense of happiness, I was so overwhelmed with gratitude and even relief. I cried for hours.
It’s a year on and I felt like checking in on how life has been since then. I shaved my hair for 3 months before I decided to start growing it back. For me, shaving my head bald has been a deeply healing experience. I developed an even more beautiful relationship with my self; my true self was allowed to emerge and shine- no more suppressing her. A deep sense of liberation filled me. Like I was taking charge of my life and being born again on my own terms. Removing my attachment to hair allowed me to show up unapologetically as myself. I no longer had my hair to hide behind. I didn’t realise how much I hid behind my hair before. Yes I was natural but I still attached my beauty to my hair and I didn’t even know I was doing it. The amount of trauma attached to the hair on my head was affecting my reasoning and my energy.
Starting again with intention, awareness, love and inner knowing has been priceless. It allowed me to delve deep into shadow, to recognise and work through problematic views on beauty and societal validations. It allowed me to claim back my power and define me for myself. I can see my soul more clearly than I ever have.
My hair still holds a lot of importance but now it is less vanity fuelled and more love fuelled. My hair is an extension of myself, a manifestation of the universe and the God Being within me. My hair protects my brain and houses my Ori (higher self). She has been growing so beautifully, her edges are fuller, her texture and curl pattern are able to show out because I’ve been really putting my love and care into her. I nurture her, I love on her and I think she is beautiful- not in a self-conscious, societal vanity fuelled way but beautiful because self -love is beautiful. When you love and nurture yourself you only produce beautiful flowers and full harvests. Everything about me is beautiful because I believe in looking after and respecting my temple- those beliefs only lead to loving actions which only produce beauty in you and around you. Starting again with intention, awareness, love and inner knowing has been priceless. It allowed me to do delve deep into shadow, to recognise and work through my views on beauty and societal validations. It allowed me to claim back my power and define me for myself. I can see my soul more clearly than I ever have. I adore myself. I adore my hair. I adore my journey.
I look around and realise I am actually living my dream. All the things I used to want and ask for- the intentions I set last September have come into fruition in the most magnificent of ways. I feel at peace within. Like I am exactly where I should be. I wake up every morning and before I open my eyes. I speak to the Universe. I set my intentions for the day and thank Her for waking me up and for giving me the ability to create a life I love. There was a time (years even) in my life, when I was really low. I couldn’t see a way forward. I didn’t want to be here anymore- I was desperately crying for help. But no one could hear me.
Now I realise no one was supposed to really hear me. I was supposed to hear myself. I was supposed to be my own saviour. I am so glad that I never gave up on me. I am glad that I decided to take charge of my healing by going within and facing my darkness. I am glad I took accountability for my life.
I am back home in the land that I was born in, Africa. My phenomenal motherland full of Godly beautiful melanated souls. My connection to Source feels so much more powerful here. Like my blessings and abundance are multiplied on this land. I feel a deep sense of peace inside me, but I also feel vibrant, like I have liquid gold running through my veins. I feel alive and grounded. I wake up and eat amazing food charged from the rich soil of the motherland. The sun blesses my skin every day. I don’t have to deal with racial insults regularly. I go to the beach every week and even work from there sometimes. Opportunities present themselves to me at every turn. My body is the healthiest it has ever been, my mind is the healthiest it has ever been. My soul is the happiest it has ever been. And my Divine lightly shines so so brightly through my vessel.
Just like I was this time last year- (but now 2.0) overwhelmed with gratitude and love for life, for myself, for the universe, for this entire experience. Life is to be lived authentically and with absolute love for self. You don’t have to wait for someone else to speak your love language, speak your love language to yourself. No one else can do it better than you.
Navigate each day with self-love and self-worth, be kind to yourself. It makes life much more beautiful and YOU deserve it.
A year later I’m feeling great, I’m feeling blessed. I’m feeling like a Phoenix blazing through the flames. I’m feeling like my ancestors wildest dreams. Asé
The Rantings of Tesolil 