“You should…”

I find that people tend to offer unsolicited advice on what others should do with their physical appearance and how they should live their lives in general, it’s a very bizarre sense of entitlement. Fight the urge to mold others into what you think they should be or look like. People are not here for your entertainment or to fulfill your fantasies of them. Sexual or otherwise. I’ve lost count of how many times people have countered how I choose to live my life and said ‘you should…’, ‘i want you to…’, ‘I don’t think you should...’. And it always perplexes me. Do not tell me how I should live my life. It is mine, not yours. People tend to be so frightened of authenticity, we must all act, think, look and be the same. Anything else makes them question their self-worth. This is what happens when your validation and your ideals are shaped by external factors.

I was speaking to a friend of mine a few days ago and I said I don’t believe in monogamy anymore( look out for book 2) she then said ‘ oh Tes, I don’t want you to be poly’. I reminded her that I could care less what she wanted me to be and she really should not be so invested in how I choose to live my life. Being ‘unhappy’ about how someone else chooses to live their lives (when it is bringing no harm) is a form of madness. You can listen to people’s life experiences and hear their choices with fascination and a desire to understand as opposed to judging their choices and trying to change them. Ask yourself, how do their life choices benefit me? So why bother? How another person chooses to express themselves and show up in the world is their right to decide. Not yours.

Those who have been following me for a while will know of my journey of self love- loving my hair, my body, and my entire Being. In this time I’ve become extremely protective of my aura and energy. I do not tolerate any type of negativity thrust my way especially in regards to appearance. I have found that my self acceptance, particularly with hair has at times caused many others to feel uncomfortable. They take it as a personal attack almost, which is beyond me.

I remember a guy I had not spoken to in nearly two years calling me to ask me if I was on hard drugs and if my mental health was okay (with complete seriousness) because I had shaved my hair off. He said, “these past few months you’ve been acting crazy, are you okay, have you started taking hard drugs”. What was ‘crazy’ to him was me ditching the weaves, the lashes, the whistles and bells, me basking in nature, me accepting myself fully and branching out of the status quo. To him that looked insane. I said to him, “you’ve been watching me online- you see the way I radiate, you see my glow, you see my happiness, you read my joy filled captions and to you that looks like insanity? All those years I was insane, crying out for help nobody came to my rescue- my insanity looked like sanity to you. But now I’m sane you see it as insanity. So madness truly is subjective don’t ever call me again”, he told me I was getting him wrong and that he was truly just worried about me- I put the phone down. 

There are two similar occasions where I feel like I could have said more but for some reason my brain didn’t engage at the time. So here I am. Writing about it. As a warning to anyone else that may decide to try me but also just to help people see how their “well meaning”, actions can affect others negatively.

The first one was with a woman. I posted a throwback picture of me and I was wearing my straight weave. Again, if you’ve read my posts The rebirth, Showcase, Dear white people your opinions on my hair are never welcome, and Reflections, you will gain some insight into my journey. What it took to get to the stage where I no longer felt the need to cover my crown and could stop sewing the hair of other human beings onto my sacred head. It took a lot of self-reflection and honesty to realise that the weaves were a mask because I felt I wasn’t beautiful enough in my natural state and I no longer wanted to wear this mask. So I burned the mask and broke the shackles.

 Now I feel so free, so beautiful, so Me. 

Anyway, this woman messaged me saying, “I love this picture of you, this is your best hairstyle!” I thought about reading her at the time but I realised she really wouldn’t see the issue. In her mind, she had just paid me a compliment. But I’m extremely susceptible to energies and I heard the underlying tone.  Why not just say you look lovely in this picture. Why add the “this is the best hairstyle you have done?” How is that a productive thing to say? Especially when I no longer wear that hairstyle and you haven’t seen me in that hairstyle in years, AND when you’ve never said anything about my natural hair. It insinuates that the way I look now is not as nice as before. You’re entitled to feel that way about me but keep it to yourself. I don’t care what you prefer in relation to my being or how I look.  

Did you think I would now go back to wearing the straight weaves because you said so? It’s projecting your beauty ideals and standards onto another person consciously or subconsciously. Everybody is on different journeys, you do not need to feel threatened by me embracing myself. It’s my life. It has nothing to do with you. If you see natural hair and you don’t like it or feel some type of way or if you feel you wouldn’t be comfortable with having your natural hair out that is not my problem. Continue to wear your weaves. But do not project your ideals formed from your personal trauma onto me. 

Another incident happened last night whilst I was out with some new friends. A guy, firstly asked me if I was a basketball player ( I assumed it was because I was wearing heels and looked taller). When I looked at him confused.  He said, my body, my stature is like a basketball player. Now there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being a Basketball player but I’ve never been referred to as a basketball player physically and I don’t think I’m really built like one either although I am athletic. Anyway,  it’s interesting how straight away he looked at me and the only thing he could think of that I could possibly be is a basketball player. This same guy who mentioned previously that he dated white girls- now tells me that my short hair looks great, I said thank you I love it, I went bald a few months back and he said yes you look great. He then comes back a few minutes later to say well you should add some colour to your hair, maybe like a blonde- not that there’s anything wrong with your hair but you would look amazing blonde.

Now I heard him and was ready to reply him- but I didn’t because I had actually been planning on dying my hair golden blonde anyway. I’d had it blue in the past and pulled out my phone to show him that. I guess it was me saying well I was going to dye it blonde anyway not because you said so. But it rubbed me the wrong way. 

First of all, keep your opinions to yourself. Nobody gives a damn shit what you think of my hair and how you think I can improve or enhance my physical appearance. If you want a girl with blonde hair continue to date your white girls but don’t project your white beauty ideals onto black women consciously or subconsciously. It’s very arrogant and egotistical even to see another human being especially one you don’t know and start to offer ways you believe they can “improve” their physical appearance. Nobody asked you.

If I had said to him, ‘you’re bald, I mean you look good now but you would look really amazing if you grew some hair and maybe a beard get rid of that goatee’, that would have been outta pocket. But somehow this stranger felt it was okay to make suggestions as to how I could enhance my physical appearance. It is not your place. Ask yourself where this level of entitlement comes from. Should you really have a say in how others look or live their lives? Why do you want a say in their lives? Is that normal? Or is it sickness? I say sickness. So please next time you get the urge to comment your “preference” on someone else’s appearance…JUST DON’T. 

Don’t project your insecurities and lack of self-esteem on other people. Appreciate people as they are physically and understand that they are not here for your physical viewing pleasure. Do what you like to your body and keep your negative opinions of what others should look like to yourself. Especially when they are in their natural state. I’ve said time and time again, I’ve even written about it in Beauty is pain. We do not need the whistles and bells. We are wonderfully, beautifully, and powerfully made as we are. Do not allow anybody to tell you otherwise. 

Do you UNAPOLOGETICALLY.  Express yourself how you want to. Bask in your authenticity. Relish your uniqueness.

And for the physical appearance advisers I’ll leave you with this- SHUT THE FUCK UP AND MIND YOUR BUSINESS. 

Love and light, Tesothestarseed 


People asked what a Starseed is— a Starseed is a soul that comes from the constellations, the stars. One sent here to disrupt the status Quo and spread light, to raise the consciousness and vibrations of the earth. That is who I am and I step into it powerfully and with ease. 

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